Waiting for Troy
by Hobbit-eyes
Summary: News reaches Troy that the film has been released. How will all of the characters react when they discover that they are to be portrayed on the big screen - and the fanfictions that will undoubtedly follow?


I'm a big fan of Greek legends, and the original Iliad, so this is just a mini-fic about how the characters of Homer's Iliad may have reacted to hearing about the film. Bear in mind, I still haven't seen the film myself, I've only caught clips of it on adverts and heard the ravings of a girl in my year about how Achilles is 'SOOO GORGEOUS'. But I hope you all like it! 

WAITING FOR TROY

All of the characters of Homer's Iliad gathered in Troy, waiting to see if the rumours they had heard were true. Yes, all the characters; not only King Priam, his wife Hecuba, their sons and daughters and the other inhabitants of Troy, but the armies of the Greeks. Achilles himself was sitting next to Hector, both forgetting their fight with each other in dread of the news. Even the gods and goddesses were among them in human form, such was the gravity of the situation.

No one spoke. Even little Astyanax was playing with his toy horses quietly on the floor. Cassandra could be seen muttering things under her breath; maybe they were further prophecies of doom, or something along the lines of 'I told you so.' Zeus was particularly edgy, and was zapping random bugs skittering across the floor with thunderbolts.

"Don't do that dear, you know it irritates me," snapped Hera after a few minutes, and the floor tiles were getting singed.

"Why do you think I do it?" countered Zeus. He paused for a moment, and then fried a passing lizard. Hera seethed.

There may have been yet another Zeus/Hera argument then (there had been two already that evening; Dionysus had been taking bets on how long it would be before the next one) but the silence was broken by Hermes flying in through the window. At once, everyone in the room was on their feet, shouting questions.

Hermes held up his hands for silence. "It's true," he said gravely. The people stared in shock, and sank back down into their seats, Achilles, Paris and Hector looking the most terrified of the lot. "The film has been released. Our deeds are being portrayed on screen. And apparently the war only lasts a few weeks. That is only the tip of the non-canon iceberg."

"Soon the fanfictions will come," shouted Cassandra, and for once everyone listened. "There will be girls with impossible fighting skills, or girls who need rescuing every five minutes. I will have sisters beyond reckoning, and there will be more half-goddesses wandering around than ever before. And there will be tales of Paris and Achilles, nay, even Paris and Hector, in very compromising positions indeed."

A silence followed her proclamation. Andromache grasped Hector's hand tightly. Paris looked at Achilles nervously and edged his chair away towards Helen's.

"I will be made to look decrepit and an evil villain," muttered Agamemnon, "If I had known that taking Briseis from Achilles would make me appear to be the mean army leader who gets in the way of true love, I would never have done so. But now I shall be the bad guy in fanfics beyond count."

"Will they make me appear hopelessly in love with Briseis, a ravishing soldier who kidnaps girls and seduces them, or gay?" mused Achilles out loud, "Alas, it is likely to be all three."

"I will appear to be the foul temptress who caused all this," cried Helen in despair, shaking her head, "I will have ensnared Paris's heart, when all he wants to do is marry Princess Athenarwen, daughter of Zeus..."

"How many children will I supposedly have now?" said Zeus, "Numerous sons and daughters, all beautiful and skilled with sword and bow..."

"And immortal, of course," added Thetis, "Immortal to be hurt, even though Achilles is only that because I dipped him in the River Lethe. Never mind that that isn't even mentioned in the Iliad! That was written afterwards!"

"Yes, but it is the thing he is remembered for," said Hecuba, "If that poet had never written about that, then Achilles would hardly be remembered, and all of these immortal children of Zeus would be able to kill him easily. At least this way they must first make Odysseus fall in love with them first in order to tell him how to defeat him."

"Be assured, my friend, should any girl try that, I will shoot them without hesitation," said Odysseus, patting the despairing warrior on the arm, "How many will remember I have a wife and a son?"

"How many do you think will know how to spell my name?" said Andromache, "Or, if knowing how tospell it, will forget how topronounce it?"

"How many do you think will not just assume that because I am older and not 'sexy' or 'hot' or 'fit', I am therefore decrepit and past it?" said Menelaus, Agamemnon nodding vigorously. "How many will think that I am, not to put too fine a point on it, a bastard?"

"How will they make me appear?" cried Paris, "A pretty boy? A coward?"

"But the difference is that you actually ARE those things in the Iliad," argued Hector.

"What problems do you think you have? You will be the hero, the brave man who is made to fight his brother's war, and is unfairly killed by Achilles," countered Paris, "You will be the hero of many fanfics to come."

"How is that a good thing?" said Hector in bewilderment, "Having girls that need me to rescue them? It's better to be anonymous, is it not?"

"That is a blessing that I can pray for," said Diomed, a glint of hope in his eyes, "I mean, all I did was steal some horses and fight in battles at the ships, no, that's not worthy of honour at all... but this time, I will be glad of no recognition, if only I am left alone."

"Is there nothing we can do?" said Athene, already eagerly pulling out her spear and her shield, "Can we not go and threaten the film director until he withdraws the film from the cinemas?"

"Alas, no," sighed Zeus, "The director cannot stop the film now. It is in the hands of Hollywood."

"What if we-" began Odysseus.

"A wooden horse will not work in every situation, Odysseus," said Agamemnon despairingly, "Yes, it was a wonderful plan, but now it will be a cliché, invented by some daughter of mine or Achilles, 'to avenge her father's death.'"

"Do not look so hopeful, Aeneas," said Hermes, turning to the optimistic looking Trojan, "You are shown in the film, as 'minor' as your role may seem. You will be featured in countless sequels, fleeing Troy with some beautiful servant girl in the palace."

Aeneas groaned and put his head in his hands. His wife Creusa rubbed his arm comfortingly, for once glad that she died in the fall of Troy.

"May the Gods have mercy on us," said Menelaus dejectedly.

"Well, we'll try," said Zeus, "But we're sort of involved in this problem too, you know."

So what did you think? If you hate the things mentioned in this fic as much as I do, please, join 'The Official Fanfiction University of Troy'! I'm going to start writing it soon (fully authorized by Miss Cam) and need suggestions. If you have any, e-mail me (address is on my bio) or join the Official Fanfiction University of Troy message board, at http:yofTroy/messages.msnw. Thanks!


End file.
